I want to get top surgery.
But not full top surgery.
More like, take a little off the top.
A reduction.
It is as hard to say as it is hard to write.
Since high school, due to a lovely mixture of genetics and weight, I have always had over DD bra sizes. And since then the way I am looked at is always female. Even when I am trying to present in a masculine way, my chest gets me ma’amed at the most frequently. I look at my reflection and my body has never seemed right with these two large mounds of flesh that I never asked for or wanted.
It is the first thing so many of my lovers in the past have commented on what draws their attention to me. And while I adore their love for my body as it is, I wish that I could have that same love.
When I am feeling my most feminine, they can be a joy but that is not where my brain settles and I long for even the smallest of options. But on those days when I don’t want it, there is no other real option for me to take and it sucks.
What I really am looking for is what is called, aggressive breast reduction. Where the procedure yields a smaller breast with the classic teardrop shape and some overhang of skin and tissue below the incision.
As someone whose gender is non-binary, this can be an option so that I can still present a feminine shape when I wish to. But also be able to do things like bind safely for when perhaps I am wanting my chest to be flatter. It would give me a chance to see my body in a way that isn’t just the highly feminine feeling that having large breasts gives me. Which is something that I enjoy, just…not all the time.
I have tried other ways of hiding them, but the size I currently am there is always something. Sports bras can only minimize so much and for my size binders are dangerous. Yet, I ache for that option to the point of hurting myself with pinching straps and not quite right fitting clothes. But at this point, I am committed to finding a surgeon and seeing what options I have. It is not something I am sure will happen in this next year, but it is something that I am starting down the path of. Because if I don’t try, I feel like this is something I might regret in the long run.
My therapist is wonderful when I bring it up, worried that it isn’t an option. My fears it being seen as ‘just wanting to get my insurance to pay for a boob job’. Reminding me that it is my dysphoria talking and that having the body I want is a valid thing. But searching for a surgeon is a step I have not taken yet. The fear is still so real but not for my dysphoria being unseen. So we often talk about self-care in these times, which can be hard. But I have found that turning to magic has given me a chance to make my own self-care, a time for self-reflection as well.
I noticed that my dysphoria happened often when I was in front of a mirror or see my reflection. And as someone who turns to things like skin, hair care, and makes up for self-care. I see my reflection a lot. From brushing my hair to washing my face. My mirrors sit right at the height where I can see them. Which can be a tough day in and out. And so I created a small spell that I do at my mirror which is also a mantra. As I am putting on makeup, brushing my hair, or even just brushing my teeth.
Finding Your Beauty Spell
You Need:
Yourself
A mirror
Part of your daily routine
Ground yourself while situated in front of your mirror, this can be taking a few deep breaths or lighting a candle. Whatever works for you.
In front of the mirror, start your routine while watching your reflection.
Speak or Think:
“In all ways,
I am balanced.
In all ways,
I am serene.
Inside and out,
I radiate my own beauty.
I calmly allow my light,
to shine into the world”
While repeating the spell, take the time to also look at yourself in the mirror and pick out the things that you love about your reflection. Even if it is something small like catching how the light brings out a color in your eyes or even if you just love the tip of your nose at that time. Try to find one thing. Whatever it is the mirror is trying to show you while you are performing the spell.
When you have finished, once again take a few deep breaths or blow out your candle. Thank your reflection for showing you what it needed to.
Photo by Victor Garcia on Unsplash
Photo by Jacalyn Beales on Unsplash